Want and Need
Oct. 26th, 2008 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sapphire_childTitle: Want and Need
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating/warnings: PG-13, vague sexual references
Genre: angst, romance
Character/s: Rose/10.5
Spoilers: up to JE and beyond
Summary: He showed her the whole of time and space, lifted her up above the ordinary and mundane...but he also broke her heart by not saying the words that she needed to hear above all others, by leaving her behind. Now as a human, the Doctor has a second chance to make things right – but when you give so much of yourself to one person what’s to stop you from letting your own desires fall by the wayside?
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all it’s associated characters/situations etc do not belong to me, I’m just borrowing them kthx. Reference to lyrics from “The Ease of the Midnight Visit” by the Whitlams and “I Want You” by Savage Garden within the fic – cookies to anyone who can find them!
~*~
“Does it need saying?”
The look on her face was answer enough. It would never be enough for Rose to simply know how he felt about her. He knew (both versions of him actually) that she needed to hear the words. How else could she ever be certain of him? For that matter, how else could he ever be certain of himself?
Yes, they both knew she needed to hear it – but only one of them had the courage to actually say it.
“Rose Tyler – I love you.”
And then she had kissed him, all of her love and longing and the years of loneliness captured in one frantic moment of lips and arms and loss.
He stepped forward to take her hand after the TARDIS had dematerialised for the last time and when they looked at each other they had shared a brief moment that didn’t need words.
Which is why he was so surprised when she pulled away from him, taking her hand out of his and letting it fall by her side.
She wouldn’t touch him after that – not for the longest time.
“I need some space,” she apologised again and again as she dodged his embrace, his lips, stoically ignored his desperately outstretched hand. “Just for now. I need to wrap my head around this – you, me. Us.”
Need. I need to know that you love me – I need some space away from you.
But that’s fine. That’s fine. Isn’t it? He would do anything for her. He’d broken her heart (well, the Time Lord version of him had broken her heart but...semantics! Details! They were the same man weren’t they?) What else could he do now but try to make up for past transgressions? What else could he want but to heal her in whatever way he could? And if that meant waiting and letting his desire to be with her go unfulfilled...
Well. Then so be it.
“You know how much I wanna love you,” mascara smudged with salt as she choked and sobbed against him. “But when I look at you I just keep on thinking of him and it makes everything so hard...”
Want – I want to love you.
She wants to love him and she’s trying to love him even though she can’t right now but she still wants to and that’s a good thing isn’t it? Isn’t it?
His feelings never fade, never waver, only grow stronger. She wants to love him but he needs to love her, to be loved by her. (It’s not enough to be in love with you – I wanna be loved too.)
He craves her like an addiction, deep and crawling beneath his too-warm human skin. He aches. He shivers. He feels the slow pass of their life together ticking away, tocking away. His heart, his single human heart burns with want.
She needs time and she needs space. Not the kind that they used to dance through as simple as flicking a few buttons – she needs the type that as a human man he can still give her. He can never give her the stars again but he can surely give her this?
He can wait for her the way she waited for him because she knows that he loves her now. She knows that he’ll be waiting for her when she’s ready. It is, after all, the least he can do.
He can wait. He can.
“Please...please Doctor,” she’s desperate and needy and wanting all at once and he is utterly overwhelmed by her and what she is asking of him. “I need you.”
When she finally reaches out to him he’s all too willing to oblige her. She’s never before voiced a need for a physical connection with him. Well...at least not like this. This is raw emotion, a tangible, oh-so-human mess. He’s never seen Rose like this, not in any of his lifetimes. She’s almost wild, desperate as she tears at his zipper, as she presses her body flush up against his, blonde hair loose and falling to shadow her face.
He desperately wants to reach out, bridge the gap between them and finally touch her. He wants to roll her over onto her back and make love to her in earnest. He wants...he wants her.
But when she whimpers above him, so deep inside her own head, inside her own pleasure that she’s completely lost...
He understands why she’s come to him like this, why she’s taken control. She needs this to be on her terms and he understands that. His wants and desires can wait a little longer. He can wait. He has to wait. He doesn’t have the courage or the heart to deny her this, to deny her anything.
“I love you.”
He’s waited so long now for her to say it – to say it to him – that it’s nothing short of anti-climactic. He’s almost disappointed. After all, he already knows that she loves him or rather that she loved him once before. He always knew that eventually she would learn to love him again, to love him as this new-new human Doctor – it was always just a question of when.
And now he thinks he can finally tell her what he wants.
“I know,” he murmurs in reply and sighs contentedly, long and low into her hair. His touch feels clammy against her bare skin. New-new body temperature for this new-new human Doctor and his new-new relationship with... “Rose?”
“Yeah?”
His tongue swells thickly around the words (I need you – I want you) and she waits and watches him with eyes that shine gold with a hint of trepidation.
Despite everything, she’s still uncertain of him.
(There was lots of times when we were travelling together that I thought maybe...but then something’d happen and it’d be like Sarah Jane all over again only worse cos straight after you’d do something to make me feel like...like maybe we had something special after all and I’d start loving you all over again like the idiot kid that I was...)
He can’t blame her – not after everything he’s put her through. He stops himself. He stops himself from telling her what he’s been bursting to for the past months, weeks and instead he blurts out something she already knows, something that shouldn’t need saying anymore because he already has and she knows she knows she knows.
Doesn’t see?
“I love you too.”
The apprehension in her eyes melts away as if it was never there and Rose chuckles softly as she snugs her body up against his, fingertips curling against his skin. “I know you love me you daft man.”
Do you?, he thinks desperately. Do you know how much I need you? How terrified I am that you really don’t know just how much I...
“Night,” she mumbles sleepily and within minutes she’s asleep in his arms and he’s more awake than he’s ever been in his life.
His fingertips tremble against her cheekbone as she sleeps on, sound and safe in his arms.
“I need you,” he breathes. “I love you.”
But she doesn’t hear him.
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating/warnings: PG-13, vague sexual references
Genre: angst, romance
Character/s: Rose/10.5
Spoilers: up to JE and beyond
Summary: He showed her the whole of time and space, lifted her up above the ordinary and mundane...but he also broke her heart by not saying the words that she needed to hear above all others, by leaving her behind. Now as a human, the Doctor has a second chance to make things right – but when you give so much of yourself to one person what’s to stop you from letting your own desires fall by the wayside?
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all it’s associated characters/situations etc do not belong to me, I’m just borrowing them kthx. Reference to lyrics from “The Ease of the Midnight Visit” by the Whitlams and “I Want You” by Savage Garden within the fic – cookies to anyone who can find them!
“Does it need saying?”
The look on her face was answer enough. It would never be enough for Rose to simply know how he felt about her. He knew (both versions of him actually) that she needed to hear the words. How else could she ever be certain of him? For that matter, how else could he ever be certain of himself?
Yes, they both knew she needed to hear it – but only one of them had the courage to actually say it.
“Rose Tyler – I love you.”
And then she had kissed him, all of her love and longing and the years of loneliness captured in one frantic moment of lips and arms and loss.
He stepped forward to take her hand after the TARDIS had dematerialised for the last time and when they looked at each other they had shared a brief moment that didn’t need words.
Which is why he was so surprised when she pulled away from him, taking her hand out of his and letting it fall by her side.
She wouldn’t touch him after that – not for the longest time.
“I need some space,” she apologised again and again as she dodged his embrace, his lips, stoically ignored his desperately outstretched hand. “Just for now. I need to wrap my head around this – you, me. Us.”
Need. I need to know that you love me – I need some space away from you.
But that’s fine. That’s fine. Isn’t it? He would do anything for her. He’d broken her heart (well, the Time Lord version of him had broken her heart but...semantics! Details! They were the same man weren’t they?) What else could he do now but try to make up for past transgressions? What else could he want but to heal her in whatever way he could? And if that meant waiting and letting his desire to be with her go unfulfilled...
Well. Then so be it.
“You know how much I wanna love you,” mascara smudged with salt as she choked and sobbed against him. “But when I look at you I just keep on thinking of him and it makes everything so hard...”
Want – I want to love you.
She wants to love him and she’s trying to love him even though she can’t right now but she still wants to and that’s a good thing isn’t it? Isn’t it?
His feelings never fade, never waver, only grow stronger. She wants to love him but he needs to love her, to be loved by her. (It’s not enough to be in love with you – I wanna be loved too.)
He craves her like an addiction, deep and crawling beneath his too-warm human skin. He aches. He shivers. He feels the slow pass of their life together ticking away, tocking away. His heart, his single human heart burns with want.
She needs time and she needs space. Not the kind that they used to dance through as simple as flicking a few buttons – she needs the type that as a human man he can still give her. He can never give her the stars again but he can surely give her this?
He can wait for her the way she waited for him because she knows that he loves her now. She knows that he’ll be waiting for her when she’s ready. It is, after all, the least he can do.
He can wait. He can.
“Please...please Doctor,” she’s desperate and needy and wanting all at once and he is utterly overwhelmed by her and what she is asking of him. “I need you.”
When she finally reaches out to him he’s all too willing to oblige her. She’s never before voiced a need for a physical connection with him. Well...at least not like this. This is raw emotion, a tangible, oh-so-human mess. He’s never seen Rose like this, not in any of his lifetimes. She’s almost wild, desperate as she tears at his zipper, as she presses her body flush up against his, blonde hair loose and falling to shadow her face.
He desperately wants to reach out, bridge the gap between them and finally touch her. He wants to roll her over onto her back and make love to her in earnest. He wants...he wants her.
But when she whimpers above him, so deep inside her own head, inside her own pleasure that she’s completely lost...
He understands why she’s come to him like this, why she’s taken control. She needs this to be on her terms and he understands that. His wants and desires can wait a little longer. He can wait. He has to wait. He doesn’t have the courage or the heart to deny her this, to deny her anything.
“I love you.”
He’s waited so long now for her to say it – to say it to him – that it’s nothing short of anti-climactic. He’s almost disappointed. After all, he already knows that she loves him or rather that she loved him once before. He always knew that eventually she would learn to love him again, to love him as this new-new human Doctor – it was always just a question of when.
And now he thinks he can finally tell her what he wants.
“I know,” he murmurs in reply and sighs contentedly, long and low into her hair. His touch feels clammy against her bare skin. New-new body temperature for this new-new human Doctor and his new-new relationship with... “Rose?”
“Yeah?”
His tongue swells thickly around the words (I need you – I want you) and she waits and watches him with eyes that shine gold with a hint of trepidation.
Despite everything, she’s still uncertain of him.
(There was lots of times when we were travelling together that I thought maybe...but then something’d happen and it’d be like Sarah Jane all over again only worse cos straight after you’d do something to make me feel like...like maybe we had something special after all and I’d start loving you all over again like the idiot kid that I was...)
He can’t blame her – not after everything he’s put her through. He stops himself. He stops himself from telling her what he’s been bursting to for the past months, weeks and instead he blurts out something she already knows, something that shouldn’t need saying anymore because he already has and she knows she knows she knows.
Doesn’t see?
“I love you too.”
The apprehension in her eyes melts away as if it was never there and Rose chuckles softly as she snugs her body up against his, fingertips curling against his skin. “I know you love me you daft man.”
Do you?, he thinks desperately. Do you know how much I need you? How terrified I am that you really don’t know just how much I...
“Night,” she mumbles sleepily and within minutes she’s asleep in his arms and he’s more awake than he’s ever been in his life.
His fingertips tremble against her cheekbone as she sleeps on, sound and safe in his arms.
“I need you,” he breathes. “I love you.”
But she doesn’t hear him.
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Date: 2008-10-26 11:55 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2008-10-26 01:28 pm (UTC)Well Done, Just the right mix of sad and smutty
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Date: 2008-10-26 10:36 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading/reviewing =)
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Date: 2010-04-13 06:46 am (UTC)I have often wondered if he left her on the beach because deep down he suspected his days in that incarnation were numbered. I guess it all depends on how you take the Ood saying that his song was ending. It confused matters because it River Song was introduced and "died" shortly thereafter. I think they said it to him again though, that his song was ending. You can extrapolate that if he is aware of all possible timelines that he could deduce that his own was suspended in shadow. Maybe leaving her with 10 2 is an act of selfishness. He can keep her and part of him will never have to give her up.It could also be to protect what they have from the effects of the regeneration. As he will change, their chemistry could alter and he could well perceive that. Or maybe I'm giving him too much credit!
Good fic, very sweet and thought provoking. Dr isn't quite rude enough for me. Rude and not ginger. I almost feel that his pursuit of her would be ardent and unyielding. She's his reason for being there and as goofy as he is he's used to being the alpha male. I don't think he'd just roll over for her and I don't think she'd respect him if he did. In a nutshell, I think she'd push, but he'd push back. Gently, but persistently. But if you're after angst, this had it. So sad, poor human 10 ;_;
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Date: 2010-04-13 09:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-14 04:59 am (UTC)I guess what I see when he's too passive is a killer whale in captivity. You know how their little dorsal fins flop over. It's so sad ~_~ There's my random thought for the day. Poor human Time Lord with a flopped over dorsal fin:-( Just not the same.
I also wonder if 10's seeming coldness when he just walked off was them trying to hearken back to the Doctor's leaving Susan behind with the man she loved. If so, they should have taken a different take with Rose. Because him leaving her behind means he lied. I would have liked to have seem him acknowledge the loss or look a little stricken. Maybe they wanted it to be a tad ambiguous. I guess my best look at 10.5 is in this song "My Hands Are Holding You." It's a Christian song but t fits 10.5 really, really well since he came from a hand. If you have a sec to look/listen to it, I'd like to know what you think. The video in my head has 9, 10,and 10.5. I wish I could make a vid. So much sacrilege...
http://www.christianrocklyrics.com/tenthavenuenorth/byyourside.php
It doesn't fit perfectly, but it fits enough to fudge. Cause the Dr and Rose did a lot of hand holding.
Anywho, that's why I like to scrap all of this and split all the regenerations. Rose is the Bad Wolf and has a looong lifespan, she and 10 get married on New Earth by a cat-justice of the peace and Jack can be the best man. 9 can come over for Sunday dinner. There's my fix;-)
Yay, so glad I found your works. They make me so happy. I don't think I've ever met anyone with an eidetic memory.Very cool! It serves your fics wonderfully.
I do have a question though. Do you think his little encounter with the Racnoss...well, without Donna he died there... was he suicidal over Rose? I saw that somewhere and I hadn't deeply considered his motivation. What do you think? Was he just past the point of caring about himself? Dark question, I was just curious about your take on that. I also wonder if, since he dropped it, Torchwood has a little bucket of sonic screwdrivers that Rose had picked up in her universe hopping.
You haven't updated Being Human while I've been digging around back here in your journal have you? I love your fanfics!
It's midnight...speaking of Midnight - back to Recurrence!
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Date: 2010-04-14 02:20 pm (UTC)If you look carefully when Ten2 leans down to tell Rose he loves her Ten actually swallows. I reckon that he knew what was going to happen next. And to then see the woman he loves kissing some other man who's him but not...I would have turned and walked away too rather than stay and watch. Up to that moment I think there might have still been a chance that she would have stayed with him, or demanded that she and Ten2 both stay travelling on the TARDIS with him but once the Doctor refused to say he loved her he sealed his own fate and I reckon the stupid bugger KNEW it. He KNEW that it needed saying and he still couldn't bring himself to because he thought he knew best and he thought that Rose should be with Ten2. ARGH. The idiot!
The other problem with the end of JE in terms of Ten grieving over Rose was that he was busy grieving over the loss of Donna as well within five minutes. Plus he couldn't then go into the TARDIS and burst into tears going "Rose...Donna..." because all the fans would've just been like "omgwtf? BAD WRITING." for all of his emotional outbursts, when something bad, REALLY bad happens, often Ten just sort of...well, shut down and went numb basically which is I think what happened after JE. Poor sausage.
Downloading that song now to have a listen.
I saw that somewhere and I hadn't deeply considered his motivation. What do you think? Was he just past the point of caring about himself? Dark question, I was just curious about your take on that.
I believe that absolutely if Donna hadn't been there to stop him it's very likely Ten would've just stood there until it was too late to get out and he would've drowned because he was just so numb and broken up over Rose. See above where I talk about him going into meltdown and turning into a zombie.
I haven't updated AoBH because of various RL things but the latest chapter is nearly done so hopefully after I get my latest uni assignment done I can do some more work on it and get it posted then finish it all off. I am writing some smaller ficlets for challenges, like at
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Date: 2010-04-14 03:48 pm (UTC)He did go numb. He did know it needed saying.
He was an idiot.
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Date: 2010-04-16 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-26 05:03 am (UTC)He really is an idiot. Yeah, Ten2 can be what she needs (right now I think of him as the perfect blend of your "John" and the Doctor)...Rose gets it all (and yeah I even hold onto the fact that Davies considers the piece of Tardis canon)
I sometimes think he left her with his double because he won't know...can't know since it's the parallel universe. He can imagine whatever he wants and it won't be like Reinette or any other companion where he will know the moment and cause of their death. Guess this is his way of tricking his heart into believing in Rose's immortality...their own forever.
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Date: 2012-01-26 03:03 pm (UTC)It's funny you should say it because I see a bit of Ten2 in John too, in a strange sort of way. Hmmn.
I agree totally with this. Better to know that she has a chance at a life - a fantastic life potentially - even if he cannot be a part of it, rather than having to watch her die. I have a rather epic amount of material for a Ten/Rose/Ten2 story wherein they stay travelling with him until...well until they die and it's just the saddest, most heartbreaking thing.