The Deep Breath Before the Plunge

[sapphire_child]

Title: The Deep Breath Before the Plunge
Genre: pointless angsting internal monologue. GO ME.
Rating: PG
Characters: Charlie, mentions of Claire, Aaron and Desmond
Summary: Charlie’s thoughts in the outrigger before he jumps into the ocean in Greatest Hits.
Disclaimer: Not mine not mine not mine.

~*~
I never thought my life would end like this.

Not that I ever really thought my life would be ending at the tender age of twenty-five at all – but then life never really goes to plan does it? All the most carefully set out schemes can all too easily be laid to ruin. Case in point: my career as a musician. I had my fifteen minutes of fame and then got dumped back into the gutter again, my spirit broken and my body drug addled to boot.

I certainly wasn’t planning on being in a plane crash either – funny that it would be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It got me clean, straightened me out, made me learn a thing or two about myself and dropped a gorgeous girl and her equally gorgeous son pretty much right into my lap.

When Liam gave me the ring, he told me that one day I was going to have a family, a wife and baby. His own life was well and truly in the toilet at that point in time – he didn’t even think that he was going to make it past thirty and to be honest, neither did I. And yet somehow, within a year, we’d completely flipped the coin over – I was so messed up that I couldn’t go a day without fixing and he was clean as a whistle and had a brand new shiny life with a family who absolutely loved him to pieces.

And I’ll admit it – when I went to Australia I was jealous to see his suburban castle, to see what he’d become. It was everything I had once craved, and everything that was now unreachable for me. I think that’s the reason why when I first met Claire I wanted so badly to take care of her and Aaron. I wanted to have a real family again – somebody who could love me unconditionally, that I could protect and love and cherish and just bloody well enjoy.

It seems ironic – in the bitterest sense of the word – that I should finally have a family, fall head over heels for them and then have to give it all up again so that I can save them.

That’s why I can’t turn back now, even though it’s all I want to do. It makes my heart ache to know that I’ll never get to see my Aaron grow up – and he really does feel like he’s my Aaron now even though I know that he’s not. It’s funny, but with everything between Claire and I, the one thing that has either brought us together or kept us apart is Aaron.

Sometime I wonder if we would have even been friends if she hadn’t been pregnant.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually love Aaron more than I’ve ever loved Claire.

Sometimes…well, all the time lately I’ve been wondering if at the end, I’ll have the courage and the fortitude to just leave this life behind knowing full well that I’ll never see either of them again. That I’ll never hold Aaron in my arms or kiss Claire’s hair while she sleeps…

Well...now I’ve left them – every step an agonising moment of self doubt. All roads have led here and now there are no more forks to take, no more detours to keep me from my inevitable…fate.

This time it’ll be the end of the road for me.

Wrapping the weight belt around my hand I take a deep breathe and unbidden, I see Claire’s pale eyes, Aaron’s innocent smile in my minds eye and it’s all I can do to stop myself from crying. I take a steadying breath, glance once more at Desmond’s prone form and then I take my final breath, hold it deep within me...

And then I jump.

Comments

[dustyirish2003.livejournal.com]

Wow. That came extremely close to making me cry. Especially the way Charlie's thinking about Aaron ... lovely and heartbreaking.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually love Aaron more than I’ve ever loved Claire.

I suspect this is much closer to the truth than Charlie would like to admit. Fabulous line.

Thank you for writing this. : )

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

I tend to make a lot of people cry with my fic =S maybe I should write more fluff lol.

Thank you dusty for r/ring. I'm glad you enjoyed this =)

[dustyirish2003.livejournal.com]

I tend to make a lot of people cry with my fic =S maybe I should write more fluff lol.

Nah, I wouldn't change a thing about your writing, it's perfect ... and there's nothing I love more than a good cry! : )

Thank you dusty for r/ring. I'm glad you enjoyed this =)

I certainly did, and you're very, very welcome. : )

[littletons.livejournal.com]

This was just..brilliant! You did such a fantastic job capturing Charlie's emotions, and it almost made me cry. (I used to be summerrrain but I haven't commented on your stuff in a really long time!) But I just adore your work and this was just heartbreaking. It makes me miss Charlie even more. Thank you so much for writing this beautiful fic and well done!

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

Well hello there! I do remember you commenting on my stuff before, it's lovely to hear from you again and thanks so much for reviewing!

^___^

[mrslinus17.livejournal.com]

Gorgeous writing.

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

*bows*

[pacejunkie.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're back with a vengeance aren't you? The angst just wouldn't stay down. Just when I thought we had exhausted that whole death thing this feels new, capturing such a tiny moment in time. I still say Claire didn't deserve it, and Aaron deserved a father maybe just a little more than a rescue.

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're back with a vengeance aren't you?

XD

Does that about answer your question? Heee. I've been on tenterhooks waiting for my net to come back so that I could post this gorram thing and send through Cappy's mega-angst-bunny of doom fic.

I still say Claire didn't deserve it, and Aaron deserved a father maybe just a little more than a rescue.

Amen but who are we to mess with the almighty team of Darlton? Screw them anyway. We write a million times better.

[pendora-lass.livejournal.com]

I was determined not cry reading this, and yet, here I go again. Very bittersweet this one, Ell. I especially like this line:

It seems ironic – in the bitterest sense of the word – that I should finally have a family, fall head over heels for them and then have to give it all up again so that I can save them.

I think that's how a lot of us fans felt as well. Just when it seemed that C/C/A were finally coming together and COULD be a family, they were torn apart.

I really like the way you wrote the last paragraph, as well. It's nice to remember that moment in the episode and envision your take on what exactly Charlie was thinking/seeing at that moment.

Great work as usual!

[pendora-lass.livejournal.com]

*determined not TO cry

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

I think that's how a lot of us fans felt as well. Just when it seemed that C/C/A were finally coming together and COULD be a family, they were torn apart.

There are honestly no words for that betrayal. For those of us who stuck it out with these two from the beginning, to see him ripped away from everything he'd ever wanted...it was just heartbreaking. Oh Charlie...

Thank you lovely

[meagan4dominic.livejournal.com]

I really liked how you kept that nice & short.
It brought up a lot of interesting points.
Like Charlie being jealous of what Liam had because that's what he wanted all along, I personally think he deserved a family more than Liam did but Liam probably doesn't think that.
& the point of Charlie wondering whether he loved Aaron more than he loved Claire, he probably loved Aaron more because Aaron would have been easier to love, we all know how difficult his relationship with Claire was.
Very interesting

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

It was such a brief moment but I can just imagine his mind going wild. This was such a snatch at his emotions as they flew past - which I think helps to get the story across better.

Thank you! Btw, your icon cracks me up - that's the best face ever EdR XD

Omg, random did you know that she's in a movie with Johnny Depp?! I was like "omg I must tell Meagan!"

[meagan4dominic.livejournal.com]

lol, I know, isn't it the cutest thing you've ever seen?
ZOMG I know! When I saw the pics of her on set I freaked out coz I've wanted those guys to be in a movie together & now they are & it's too perfect.
lmao, did you only think of telling me 'coz of Johnny? Because practically everyone that I know, as soon as they see something about Johnny they think of me...it makes me feel so special :D

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

More because I know you like Johnny and you always have Claire mentioning him in fics. I was amused ^_^

[meagan4dominic.livejournal.com]

lol, awesome :D

[lostwitoutdom.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh! That was so wonderfully sad. I loved the comparison of his life with Liam’s'. How Liam didn't think he would live past thirty when in reality it was Charlie who didn't. :( I also loved the part right before he jumped, where he thought about Claire and Aaron and could barely stop himself from crying. That was so beautiful. I bet that's what he really was thinking of. =( Amazing writing!! =D

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

Funny how things turn out huh? I thought it was incredibly sad in GH how Liam was saying he was never going to live past 30 and now he's cleaned up with a family and Charlie's dead because of his =(

I really wanted him to break down before he jumped. He was so bloody accepting that I just wanted to scream at him - fight damn you! Poor thing, he was convinced it was the only thing he could do.

[lostwitoutdom.livejournal.com]

I hate how, Desmond made him think that! I mean he could have ran out of the room. The only reason he didn't was because Des said he had to die for Claire and Aaron to be rescued. Which we know doesn't happen!!! =( Poor Charlie, it seems like he died in vain. =(

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

He thought if he didn't die rescue wouldn't have come which is stupid - cause the freighties aren't even rescue! Goddamn.

It's seeming more and more like Charlie died in vain which is awful. Poor thing =(

[isla-negra.livejournal.com]

You made me cry again Ellin! You always do! =D but I love it when your fics make me cry. I started crying when I read "my Aaron" T_T
Really beautiful fic!

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

Thank you - I could really use some encouragement right now with my writing - I've lost all drive to write Lost fic which makes me inordinantly sad =( so thank you for taking the time to stop on by and read/review this.

[isla-negra.livejournal.com]

Please Ellin, don´t stop writing about Charlie and C/C!!! Your fics are amazing! you have kept Charlie alive for us, the fans! I can imagine why you feel like that, but please, just remember all the wonderful moments that our ship and Charlie had. Your fics are one of the reasons why this ship and Charlie haven´t been forgotten.

[sapphire-child.livejournal.com]

I know, I am writing atm but very slowly and only when I feel inspired. It makes me really sad to think that I've lost the drive to write for Charlie in particular because he was always my favourite but...well I don't think I'm completely finished just yet. Hang in there, I haven't given up all hope yet and thank you for your words of encouragement.

[isla-negra.livejournal.com]

It´s so great to know that you are still writing! I know how you must be feeling, I´ve felt like that too. Charlie was, is, and will be my favourite no matter what, I mean, Dom was the reason I started watching the show in the first place! I guess I still want to believe that we haven´t seen the last of him yet.
And you are welcome dear!